Anti Nostalgic
by P.L.S
Summary: This is a story of Ryuichi Sakuma's life from age 11 to the formation of Nittle Grasper as we know it. It's sad, filled with child abuse in the form of neglect, and yet Ryu rises to become a star.


Title: Anti- Nostalgic

Author: P.L.S

Rating: If you can read Gravitation manga, you can read this.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Gravitation, especially not Nittle Grasper or K. Wish I did.

Summery: I have a theory. It's quite farfetched in relation to everything, but I think once upon a time Ryuichi was once a rather serious little boy. It wasn't his disposition, it was because of the way his life forced him to grow up too fast.

This is the story of Ryuichi's childhood and the formation of Nittle Grasper. And this is and forever will be a ONE-SHOT! Deal with it.

Author's Note: I've never written a pure Gravitation fan fic before. Wish me luck and any feedback would be loved and cherished.

ooOooOoo  
_Anti- Nostalgic- English Translation_

Transparency dyes the night sky, and I walk alone on the road that always leads me home.  
Singing to myself, I want to send these kind of feelings to you in your sleep, oh, um...

I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself  
Tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind...  
The heart that I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little.  
I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time.

I place my feelings on the receding clouds on the roads home, where I pause to stand.  
You are already a part of my continuing dreams;  
I know that (those feelings) can't possibly reach you from here.

The tears keep falling; just by being able to be close to you,  
I'm starting to want a smile, just a little...  
Someone asks questions; I'm starting to want this to make more sense.  
You cast those two brilliant days into a fading shadow.

I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself.  
Tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind...  
The heart that I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little.  
I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time.

ooOooOoo

Ryuichi sat in the office again. It wasn't uncommon for him to be seen, waiting for the parents who never came to the meetings about his lack of attention, about his just not learning the material, about how much he screwed up everything. His mom was probably at home, drowning in wine, pot, and eclectic music. His dad only existed on his health records, for Ryuichi at least. His mom used to swear up and down his father loved him and was off on business. He was supposed to be the one who gave him his only friend, Kumagoro. Yeah right. Not even his mom loved Ryuichi. He didn't know how he got Kumagoro, but it sure wasn't from his parents.

The secretary sighed and Ryuichi looked up from his darker thoughts and the linoleum floor. The lady was nice enough, she gave him a candy cane every December and a smile of understanding every time his mom flaked out. She was the one who often talked the headmaster into letting him go early on Thursdays, after all with his mom blitzed out of her mind, someone had to go to the social welfare offices and then go grocery shopping. She was young, tried to make a small difference, and Ryuichi half wished that she was his mom. The buzzer on her desk went off, it was five in the afternoon. Ryuichi stood and walked out after a small good bye and drifted out of the abandoned school into the slums he called home.

As he climbed up the cement stairs to the nineteenth story, three room, infested palace his mom managed to pay for with her bootlegged recordings and minor drug deals, the child knew that because it was Wednesday there wasn't going to be dinner, just like there wasn't a breakfast, lunch that day, or a dinner on Tuesday. He knew he could and would survive, and that his mom always had her stashes and she wouldn't even notice and worry. The last thing he needed was for her to worry.

The last time Ryuichi's mom worried it turned into a nervous breakdown and he was shuffled into a home'. He was four at the time and was the smallest kid there. It didn't take long for the bullies to realize that he was too stubborn to be a tattletale and an easy target as well. Thankfully, the bruises on his head healed enough to ignore and the mind splitting headaches eased into just slight throbs by the time his mom came for him. He never wanted to go back, especially since he was now pretty sure that part of the reason he couldn't sit still or even read the words straight was because of that time his head was bashed into the floor repeatedly by some kid.

Even though he was now eleven and had picked up enough of the street fighting moves to prevent too much damage, he was terrified of anyone finding out all about his life and sending him to a home' again. It was part of the reason why he never showed his mom the reports from school, why he had started being the one who paid the bills. When he showed his mom he knew how to write checks, she started just giving him all the money she made except for what she used to buy new CD's, wine, or cigarette papers. He was in charge of the house and it was his shield from all the well meaning people who would take him from his mom again.

He walked into the sound thick atmosphere of his home to see his mom and some guy just sitting there. His mom's hair was in a messy bun and she smiled in rapture as the singer on the stereo started belting out the lyrics. Ryu-kun! Please sing? she asked over the throbbing beat. The stranger looked amused but said nothing about his mom's request, which was one Ryuichi was starting to get used to. The only time his mom really paid attention to him was when he sang, and he quickly started to forget to deny her and just go to bed.

He let himself go, the lyrics came easy, the song was starting to take over again and Ryuichi let it. Even as he stood in the open doorway, he sang out as if it were the last song of his life. It wasn't, he couldn't even relate to the lyrics, but never the less his voice gave up the empathetic emotional colors that gave the tune it's real life.

The song ended and Ryuichi came back to reality as the stranger next to his mom switched off her stereo and he saw the group outside the open door. Blushing he fled to his room, locked the door, and ignored everything by working on trying to figure out his typically flawed budget for the next day's shopping and then sleeping. He fought back the tears, because he was obviously an awful singer. Everyone had just stared at him, and good singers weren't stared at. People clapped for them.

No one ever clapped for Ryuichi. Not that he cared. No, why would he care. Kumagoro looked at him from his place on Ryuichi's bed. Ryuichi gave into the urge and just hugged his stuffed rabbit and told it all his worries, secrets, and dreams. Kumagoro knew everything about him, he never hid anything from his friend. Sure he knew that others would see it as a weakness to still have a stuffed toy to cuddle with at night and even more would think him insane for treating it like it was a person, but he still liked to believe that his guardian angel or some kind of spirit resided in the pink floppy eared rabbit that he had received so long ago that he couldn't remember not having him.

Kumagoro's presence lulled him to sleep once more that night. It was always easier to sleep than to listen to his stomach.

ooOooOoo

He was sitting in front of the school's new part time nurse, trying to think of a way to explain the bruises and scratches. He couldn't tell her that his mom brought home yet another jerk, only this time the jerk liked to hurt people. He thought about it and just decided to let her come to her own conclusions. It's what she did anyhow. Best part, he just had to go along with the story and act like he was stunned that she figured it all out.

But when she came out of her supply closet, he sunk into despair. She was his new neighbor, the one who threatened to call the police and back him up while brandishing a baseball bat at his mom's latest mistake. She just smirked at him, knowing the truth.

Wonderful to see you again Ryu-kun. she said.

Uh, yeah. he said sullenly. He didn't want anyone at school to know about his life, yet here he was faced with someone who already knew the bad things.

Well, let me patch you up, then we'll think of a good little fairy tale to put on the forms. Maybe a mugging attempt last night or something. she said with her sugary grin. Ryu-kun felt himself matching the smile with one of his manic beams.

After he was sitting in the smaller chair in front of her desk, trying to put together a plausible lie, he asked what was on his mind, 

The woman looked up, confused, Because the guy thought you had money to buy drugs with.No, I mean why are you helping me like this?I grew up here. Kids like you and like me, the reason we are here is because there is always something worse that we are avoiding. If I put down, you were getting beat up because you didn't want someone beating on you mother, you'd become a system kid. Here you have a chance of getting out, but system kids just seem to stay system unless a miracle happens. Besides, I see that fire in you. Someone just has to stoke it and you'll shoot so high even the stars will look up to you. she said then laughed, So should the mugger be Japanese or a gaijin?Gaijin. You know an American or something.Sing for me, Ryu-kun. said his mom as a new song came on and he was washing his work clothes. Even though he was just fourteen, the boss of the small bar three blocks down gave him a job. He was just a dishwasher, but Miko and Yoshi, the two bartenders, taught him how to mix drinks before the bar started to get crowded. Miko also was teaching him those Tom Cruise moves that looked so cool, but were rather awkward to pull off. They both told him that once he was older that the boss would likely give him a higher paying bartender spot or something better. Between that promise and the money that his job brought in, he was okay with his future.

His job took up most of his nights so it was on Sunday morning he had to do laundry. He tended to keep the doors and windows open when he was doing laundry because of the heat. Nurse Kiwata's door was open too, for the same reason, only she was cooking, not washing. Ryu-kun really did not want her to hear his awful voice, but his mom hadn't asked this of him in two months. She hadn't been sober enough to even remember him, and she was getting so sick looking.

Ryuichi started belting out the song, he had never even heard it before, but was sure he could write better lyrics than the sappy junk that this song was made of. It was a fast tune, and not cookie cluttered. It was challenging and Ryuichi lost himself in it. Nothing mattered, just his voice, the voice of the music, and his mom. All too soon it was over and not only was his mom there smiling like she was a child, but Nurse Kiwata was there clapping.

Ryuichi-kun, why didn't you tell me that your voice is like an angel's? asked the nurse as she kept clapping, clapping for him. Ryuichi looked at his feet and blushed.

Kari-chan? Can you find the karaoke version of that song in two weeks? asked Kiwata. His mom looked up and smiled.

Yuh huh. Sure can. I don't know why Ryu-kun never thought of that before. He makes the songs live, you know. his mom said happily. Nurse Kiwata looked pleased.

Good, because I think Ryu-kun should show off in the talent show that's coming up. Ryuichi paled as he thought of all those faces, looking at him, waiting to laugh him off the stage. Sure he acted like a clown and never seemed to care what anyone thought of him and his low scores in every class but English, but really he just did that so no one would trouble him for anything deeper or try to put him in a spot of responsibility.

He closed his eyes. Both his mom and Kiwata-san looked like it was the best idea ever, like nothing would be more fun, like there was no way in heaven or hell that he would get out of it. Maybe he could make the best of it.

If it's karaoke, can I make up better lyrics? Kiwata-san smiled and his mom laughed.

Best idea ever. Sure. his mom said jovially before she bounced off to her room and the computer and recording equipment stashed there. Nurse Kiwata smiled at Ryuichi.

Ryu-kun, remember when I told you that you have a chance to get out of this life? Ryu-kun nodded, unsure where this was going, Good. I don't want you to forget that. and then she left. Ryuichi shrugged and turned back to the tub of water and clothes. He stuck his hands in and cursed. The water was ice cold and he hadn't put a new kettle of hot water on.

ooOooOoo

Ryuichi winced as yet another band got up and butchered another very good song. It was pure torture to hear the music that he and his mom lived on destroyed by his peers. It was a talent show, so where was the talent? The singer screeched out a high note and Ryuichi covered his ears. He thanked his stars that he never before attended one of the talent shows before and prayed that his turn would come up and be over soon. He had no wish to subject himself to more of this maddening torture.

The backstage organizer came up to him, it was one of the honor roll kids.

he answered. He was in costume, sort of. He was wearing his most worn out pair of jeans, a tight black tank top that was tucked in, and boots. Around his neck were his friends' lent lucky charms and one of the girls in the group he ran with pierced his ear and put in a steel hoop. Other than the makeup that was forced on him by his only friend that was in another band, he looked like a thug, but the makeup made him look the part of a wannabe rock star. The only thing that was his idea in this whole thing were the words to the song. His words.

It's time. Ryuichi gave her a blinding grin and ran as carefully as he could to his spot, to wait for his cue.

Next up, Sakuma Ryuichi singing a song that has yet to be titled! The lights went out and Ryuichi walked out to the microphone, took it out of the stand and closed his eyes. He felt the heat of the spotlight that just turned on, and the music he tweaked with his mom's computer, his new music, drifted out. He took a breath and started. As he sang he opened his eyes and found he couldn't see anyone. Well, that was just fine. It was just him and the music, he smiled as he went into the chorus, letting go of everything and giving his all.

It was slow, it was full of his mind, it was himself.

He was at home. No masks. Not when he was singing of himself.

He finally had a name for the song.

Nettle Grasper.

ooOooOoo

Ryuichi sighed.

Kiwata-san invited his boss and coworkers to his graduation. He was also slated to sing a song that the student government actually paid him to write. The music teacher helped with arrangements and the graduating class orchestra was behind him, all could play the song to near perfection. Only his mom wasn't here, but he knew that the video camera in Kiwata-san's hands would play it for her.

This was for his mom, she was in the clinic today. She was definitely ill, and while she protested, Ryuichi checked her in before coming to school this morning. He had to take care of her, it was more important than this.

The program planners insisted that he appear in some kind of outfit like he usually did for the talent shows, they even went so far as to hand him over to the fashion club just two weeks ago. It was that gaggle of superficial dweebs who put two more holes in his ear, and just today shoved him in black vinyl pants that seemed to cut off all blood flow to his legs, a green shirt that was to be kept open and shimmered in light, and so many accessories that Ryuichi wondered if there wasn't a type of ornament he wasn't wearing. They also ambushed him two days earlier and streaked his brown hair with green chunks of color. He was also once again wearing makeup.

He was starting to wonder at the sanity of his fellow students.

He walked out on stage, grabbed the microphone and let out the first note, a cry that made sure no one would be able to ignore him. After his very first performance, he started to crave the applause, then the attention and energy of a captive audience. Grinning, he sang out the first lines of the song with the orchestra slowly joining him. The song built up to a fever pitch, requiring more of him every line until finally he hit a crescendo and dropped back to both catch his breath and let the best of the orchestra take center stage, once the solos finished he finished the song, the instruments fading one by one until it was just him and a lone violinist. Then it ended.

At first it was just silence, but then the clapping started and crested into a wave. He turned to the orchestra and winked. They were all wild eyed and bursting with pride, and they deserved it all after the hours of work he and the teacher put them through.

The clapping didn't end. The graduating class stood and called out for an encore, Nettle Grasper! was the chant that won out and the song he first shared with them three years before started to pour out. Ryuichi laughed and started to sing the words he knew by heart, never giving less than his best. The orchestra filled in parts that he never knew were empty before, making his song so much more than he dreamed. This was heaven. Ryuichi knew it had to be.

ooOooOoo

Ryuichi sat at the bar while the DJ put on another top 40 pop single and the early crowd drank, talked, and danced through the sister club of the karaoke bar he worked at for almost four years. His old boss had talked to his new boss and it was decided to offer him a place as a regular act, he sang mostly covers but once in a while he'd get to sing one of his own creations. It was a requirement that he dress like he always did to perform, even if Ryuichi swore he'd do just as well in a suit or something other than the tight pants and other less than modest clothes.

Today his back up was a guitar player by the name of Suzuka, just Suzuka. She was pretty enough, but Ryu knew her type after the year he had spent on stage at the Sunset. She probably had a band of her own, was doing this to pay bills, and would leave at the first rumor of a chance at stardom. Ryuichi was too comfortable for that. Besides, he needed the job to pay for rent, utilities, food, and his mom's growing hospital bills. She had cancer that with the withdrawal from the coke she had started on about three years ago, Ryuichi knew the very least he could do was make her comfortable. Her doctor, just a week ago, told him point blank that by all accounts she should have died two years ago.

Ryuichi accepted it all with a nod and a determination to keep singing for her. His set lists were filled with her favorite songs, he had one of the bartenders record the nights so that his mom could listen the next morning when he visited. Her memories were addled by the drug use and the medications but she always knew when he was singing.

Ryuichi stepped on stage when an odd looking teen came in with a gaggle of the popular club from the nearest high school. He was taller, broader, and light colored, he also stood out like a sore thumb in the crowd of locals and regulars. He laughed too loud, he smiled too often, he was a hugger! Ryuichi grinned, it wasn't often that someone made some of the locals nervous, but the fact that the gaijin was a hugger and a cheerful boy did. Ryuichi started into his set with all his normal exuberance and energy, not settling for just a watching crowd he hyped them up like always, getting them to sing the choruses, to clap, to chant with him. He knew that people didn't come for the drinks anymore, they came to let loose with him and his magic.

The night ended with a new song of his, just written that afternoon. It was something he didn't even want accompaniment with. It was sad, it was cathartic, and by the end he was mixing tears with his sweat. It was his good bye to his mom. After all, he did die that morning just as she was listening to her daily tape. His boss had offered him the day off when Kiwata-san called in telling him what had happened, in case anything weird happened. Ryuichi refused, he knew he had to say good bye like this.

About half the crowd didn't know what to make of the song, it was in English, it had a melancholy feel but one could never tell with him when he sang in another language. The other half was trying to wrap their minds around the song, understanding the words but not the meaning of the song. Only a few got it, one being the tall boy who now wore a calculating look.

His name was Phillipe Winchester, son of an entertainment tycoon. He left a card with a message for Ryuichi in the tip jar before he left with his classmates. He also made a note to call his big brother, Claude was always looking for an excuse to visit Japan. It was half the reason that Phillipe came to Tokyo as an exchange student.

ooOooOoo

Ryuichi sat back, letting this K, who probably wasn't any older than Ryuichi, and his boss talk about the future and just what a young talented musician with no real ties is doing as a lounge singer. Ryuichi smiled as his boss and K agreed to break the contract without repercussions. K then turned to him with a big smile and told him that it was time to meet his new keyboardist/ synth player.

Ryuichi let himself be lead around the city and smiled as they came to a warehouse. Inside was a recording studio, a bar, and a stage. On the stage a girl with purple hair was pounding at her keyboard to a tune that Ryuichi was hypnotized by. He felt himself sway and let a song bubble out. The two looked at each other as they played and sang, letting the other know that it was working. As the tune wound down, Ryuichi finished his song and K was clapping.

Bravo. Sakuma Ryuichi, meet Ukai Noriko. Ukai Noriko, meet Sakuma Ryuichi. Smiles all around. said the bored sounding K, Now you two need a name, a set list of non-cover songs, and to practice for your first gig. All of that needs to be done in two weeks. I'm leaving now, so have fun. Ryuichi was very confused as the man just walked out, ignoring Ukai-san's shouts of needing an explanation, a better deadline, and a way out of the metal box they were in. Well, really it had a lot of death threats, curse words, and name calling mixed in. Ryuichi shrugged and walked over to the bar, made himself a bloody mary and started writing down lyrics on the napkins there.

It took a while but he became aware of someone reading over his shoulder as he worked on filling the tenth napkin. Ukai-san was looking confused.

How in the world can you read that chicken scratch? It doesn't even look like hiragana Ryuichi grinned.

I can't half the time. And I never learned hiragana, this is kinda a mix of English and katakana. Noriko sank into the barstool next to his.

You are one weird guy. Why do you write it down if you can't read it? she asked as she reached over and grabbed a glass and the retractable beer hose. Ryuichi puzzled over her words for a bit.

Hm. I donno. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. Ryuichi started to munch on the celery and looked at the recording studio booth.

So what does matter?Um, I donno. I guess getting ready for our first gig. Ryuichi smiled at her, Don't you think it's weird that the American guy just drops us off, locks us in this place and expects us to be ready in two weeks? Ryuichi shrugged at her question.

I've never really done anything outside of singing at my old high school's talent shows then regular cover singing in a bar for a few years. I don't know what to expect. he said honestly. Ukai looked irritated.

Bull, you sing like you've been born to to concerts. I mean you just came in and improvised that song on the spot!No, why would I lie? Ryuichi said, I've been making up words to songs for years now, I'd tell you to ask my mom, but that's not gonna happen if we're locked in.Well, if you just make up lyrics then why don't I put together some tunes and let you sing to em? Ukai asked.

I donno, why don't you? Is there a rule about song writing as a professional?Rhetorical question. There's a Nintendo over there, go play. I'll call you when I'm ready for you Sakuma-san.

Ryuichi gave her another megawatt smile and bounded over to where there was indeed a Nintendo with a bunch of fun games. It was easy to catch on to, and soon enough Ryu forgot the world as he guided Mario through the first level of Super Mario Brothers 3.

ooOooOoo

Ryuichi was still feeling high after that last club show. Everyone was so hyped up and he just fed on that energy. He knew he made a lot of mistakes, he didn't keep to the script, the beats, or anything, but he was just so into it that he had to fly with the mood. As he walked into the green room where snacks and drinks were waiting K and Noriko sat there talking.

Hey guys! What's up? he knew he was grinning ear to ear, but how could he not? Nothing could get him down. Heck, he was even skipping. He laughed as Noriko rolled her eyes at his behavior. She always thought he was like a puppy, and after a concert she likened him to a puppy on sugar and twenty cups of coffee. K never cared about his attitude, in fact he encouraged it with more video games and toys from all over the world. After Kiwata threatened K's life in a very creative manner, the tall blond American did almost everything he could to keep Ryuichi happy and working constantly.

Oh, Ryuichi-kun. We were talking about adding another member to our band. Noriko said. Ryu cocked his head to one side.

Because I can't keep up with you on my own. We need someone to help with the synth. Besides, three sells better than two. Noriko said with a small smile. K nodded and smiled.

We were just talking about who else we know in the business who could play with you two. Ryuichi shrugged.

ooOooOoo

Seguchi Tohma walked in to the warehouse in a rather subdued state. He almost looked like he was trying to hide. Ryuichi didn't care about that. Well, he did until he heard Seguchi start to play a duet with Noriko. Ryuichi started humming along as he doodled in the art book that K had just given him, but before the song was over he was on the stage singing, reveling in the way that the two synth players could do far more than just Noriko.

Well, that covers my work for the day. said K as he turned to go, Noriko-chan, fill Seguchi in on the songs you guys play, tweak them to fit, and let Ryuichi sing and play. Ryuichi-kun, don't bug Noriko and no playing bartender until dinner. Seguchi-san, have fun and welcome to Nittle Grasper. rang out Ryuichi as he messed around with the microphone stand.

Sure thing, sayonara. Noriko said absently, she was too busy digging out the old music sheets and notes she had made.

Uh, yeah, you're leaving me? But what about. . . Seguchi was cut off by the slamming of the door out of the warehouse. K was gone.

Don't worry, K always comes back for dinner. Ryuichi said before he went back to his doodling. Noriko nodded.

Besides, this band is rather unconventional. Just look at our frontman. she said with a mocking look of disdain, He's nothing but a child with a genius artist stuck inside.But you love me anyhow! called out Ryuichi absentmindedly.

Too true. Noriko turned to Seguchi, Let's just jam together for now. Maybe Ryu will hear something he likes and sing to it. Seguchi shrugged and started to play, sure enough, Ryuichi started to sing. By the time K came back the new Nittle Grasper was playing all their old songs plus a new one that was thrown together that afternoon. K knew that his work was almost done, he just had to get a major label to take them seriously then find a good manager to take over for him.

But as far as he was concerned those were the two easiest jobs.


End file.
